All Eyez on Me: Managing My Anxiety

Prayer has gotten me through a lot in life. Like a lot a lot. From major life decisions to family health scares to finding a parking space, prayer has been my weapon of choice. I wholeheartedly believe in it, in fact, I believe some spirits only respond to prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:14-29) But what about everything else? What about all the other spirits? What about the dark web of the mind? I've grown convinced that prayer alone is not the only tactic I have against a world that is, pardon the expression... crazy. Below I outline the things I partner with prayer in my own inward journey with anxiety. 

Wise Counsel

I was prompted to go to counseling by my wife Ashley after having struggles with anxiety. Full disclosure, Ashley is a licensed therapist, so her recommendation was expected. I present as confident and competent but I also carry an unreal amount of self-judgment that she saw up close. As a black person in America, there's an added propensity for anxiety (Williams, 2012). I also didn't grow up with many examples of people saying they were anxious - in truth, it sounded like a word white people used. Feeling nervous, overwhelmed, or doubtful were either ignored or seen as signs of weakness.

My therapeutic work has been to combat these various voices and replace them with realistic messages of my capacity and humanity. Therapy has helped me regulate these feelings and have a consistent outlet for my anxiety, fears, and hopes. Since I've started going, I also feel more capable of wading through life's changes. Check out this proverb - Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. I've learned that counseling steadies me in a world with increasing demands and scrutiny. 

Creating, Creating, Creating

Writing and playing music re-energizes me. I noticed that this fall, I have not played bass guitar at all or written as much for my own pleasure as I have for work/school/church. You've probably noticed. I haven't blogged about James Cone's new book (amazing), Lil Wayne's Carter V (worth the wait), the "Purplish" episode of Blackish (classic),or the midterm elections (meh). This is usually a sign that my energies are devoted outward instead of inward. 

There is the practical concern of time but also the more insidious fear of judgment that emerges when creating. Work, school, and ministry can feel like incessant critique; How will it be received? Is it properly sourced and vetted? Is it a valuable contribution to the field? Being free to create means I don't have to be overly concerned with these questions. That said, blogging is a useful measure of my self reflection. When I see I have not blogged in a while (not even drafted things to write), I know I need to release some creative tension. Ultimately, I want to be more familiar with JAG than APA.  I'm learning to give energy to the things that give me energy. 
 
That said, I'm about to go play the piano.  Brb...

… Ok, I'm back. That felt good.


A Good Cuss Word

Finally, those close to me know I have become more comfortable cussing. This is a complex topic for some religious communities. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything. Most people who meet me won't hear me cuss because that's not called for in most of my interactions. However, I believe there are emotional spikes in life that only certain language can capture. Check out this awesome article by Dr. Donyelle McCray, "Sweating, Spitting, and Cursing: Intimations of the Sacred". In her words, "When a preacher [person] resists the urge to self-censor, a curious thing can happen. A curse word can actually function as a husk for the sacred." (McCray, 2015)

I heard Issa Rae say it well in an interview - Cussing punctuates my speech. A good cuss word can be cathartic, the orienting antidote to a world on fire. A firm slap in the face of grief and loss. The exclamation point to an unspeakable joy. I'm finding that a good cuss word can ease my troubled mind. Not ironically, Hip hop reigns supreme as the musical genre that uses the most profanity. This only amplifies my appreciation for the music. And explains why the background refrains in Chance the Rapper's "I Might Need Security" have been especially helpful for my anger (explicit language warning). 

 
 

Recently, I left a therapy session excited. The time was filled with advice, honesty, and challenge. I reflected and thought about my quest in managing my inner mayhem. Since going, I have been able to share poetry and my counselor and I do a lot of cussing together.  Counseling, creativity, and cussing have become important tools in managing my anxiety (and it's alliterative, so you know it works). I'm also grateful to know I'm not alone on this journey - Monica Coleman's Bipolar Faith: A Black Woman's Journey with Depression and Faith and Charlamagne tha God's Shook Ones: Anxiety Playing Tricks on Me are useful traveling companions. I pray you find the people and tools you need to help you too. Look at me - praying again.  

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McCray, Donyelle. (2015). Sweating, Spitting, and Cursing:  Intimations of the Sacred. Practical Matters 8 (2015).

Williams, M. T., Chapman, L. K., Wong, J., & Turkheimer, E. (2012). The role of ethnic identity in symptoms of anxiety and depression in African Americans. Psychiatry research, 199(1), 31-6.