All Eyez on Me: Managing My Anxiety

Prayer has gotten me through a lot in life. Like a lot a lot. From major life decisions to family health scares to finding a parking space, prayer has been my weapon of choice. I wholeheartedly believe in it, in fact, I believe some spirits only respond to prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:14-29) But what about everything else? What about all the other spirits? What about the dark web of the mind? I've grown convinced that prayer alone is not the only tactic I have against a world that is, pardon the expression... crazy. Below I outline the things I partner with prayer in my own inward journey with anxiety. 

Wise Counsel

I was prompted to go to counseling by my wife Ashley after having struggles with anxiety. Full disclosure, Ashley is a licensed therapist, so her recommendation was expected. I present as confident and competent but I also carry an unreal amount of self-judgment that she saw up close. As a black person in America, there's an added propensity for anxiety (Williams, 2012). I also didn't grow up with many examples of people saying they were anxious - in truth, it sounded like a word white people used. Feeling nervous, overwhelmed, or doubtful were either ignored or seen as signs of weakness.

My therapeutic work has been to combat these various voices and replace them with realistic messages of my capacity and humanity. Therapy has helped me regulate these feelings and have a consistent outlet for my anxiety, fears, and hopes. Since I've started going, I also feel more capable of wading through life's changes. Check out this proverb - Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. I've learned that counseling steadies me in a world with increasing demands and scrutiny. 

Creating, Creating, Creating

Writing and playing music re-energizes me. I noticed that this fall, I have not played bass guitar at all or written as much for my own pleasure as I have for work/school/church. You've probably noticed. I haven't blogged about James Cone's new book (amazing), Lil Wayne's Carter V (worth the wait), the "Purplish" episode of Blackish (classic),or the midterm elections (meh). This is usually a sign that my energies are devoted outward instead of inward. 

There is the practical concern of time but also the more insidious fear of judgment that emerges when creating. Work, school, and ministry can feel like incessant critique; How will it be received? Is it properly sourced and vetted? Is it a valuable contribution to the field? Being free to create means I don't have to be overly concerned with these questions. That said, blogging is a useful measure of my self reflection. When I see I have not blogged in a while (not even drafted things to write), I know I need to release some creative tension. Ultimately, I want to be more familiar with JAG than APA.  I'm learning to give energy to the things that give me energy. 
 
That said, I'm about to go play the piano.  Brb...

… Ok, I'm back. That felt good.


A Good Cuss Word

Finally, those close to me know I have become more comfortable cussing. This is a complex topic for some religious communities. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything. Most people who meet me won't hear me cuss because that's not called for in most of my interactions. However, I believe there are emotional spikes in life that only certain language can capture. Check out this awesome article by Dr. Donyelle McCray, "Sweating, Spitting, and Cursing: Intimations of the Sacred". In her words, "When a preacher [person] resists the urge to self-censor, a curious thing can happen. A curse word can actually function as a husk for the sacred." (McCray, 2015)

I heard Issa Rae say it well in an interview - Cussing punctuates my speech. A good cuss word can be cathartic, the orienting antidote to a world on fire. A firm slap in the face of grief and loss. The exclamation point to an unspeakable joy. I'm finding that a good cuss word can ease my troubled mind. Not ironically, Hip hop reigns supreme as the musical genre that uses the most profanity. This only amplifies my appreciation for the music. And explains why the background refrains in Chance the Rapper's "I Might Need Security" have been especially helpful for my anger (explicit language warning). 

 
 

Recently, I left a therapy session excited. The time was filled with advice, honesty, and challenge. I reflected and thought about my quest in managing my inner mayhem. Since going, I have been able to share poetry and my counselor and I do a lot of cussing together.  Counseling, creativity, and cussing have become important tools in managing my anxiety (and it's alliterative, so you know it works). I'm also grateful to know I'm not alone on this journey - Monica Coleman's Bipolar Faith: A Black Woman's Journey with Depression and Faith and Charlamagne tha God's Shook Ones: Anxiety Playing Tricks on Me are useful traveling companions. I pray you find the people and tools you need to help you too. Look at me - praying again.  

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McCray, Donyelle. (2015). Sweating, Spitting, and Cursing:  Intimations of the Sacred. Practical Matters 8 (2015).

Williams, M. T., Chapman, L. K., Wong, J., & Turkheimer, E. (2012). The role of ethnic identity in symptoms of anxiety and depression in African Americans. Psychiatry research, 199(1), 31-6.

The PhDecision: 8 Important Questions I Asked Before Going Back to School

This week, NBA players including Lebron James, Paul George, and Boogie Cousins made franchise altering decisions on the teams they would join. Recently I made a major decision about my own future and enrolled in a PhD program at North Carolina State University. Although my choice may not have the reach of theirs (sadly, there's no Cole Haan shoe deal for doc students), it certainly came with it’s own set of lifestyle consequences, family considerations, and salary cap implications. I wanted to share some of my reasoning and anxieties about going back to school in the hopes it may help someone else who is considering where they might take their talents.



Should I go back to school? While this feels like the most obvious quandary, it is really a Russian doll (pictured), a big question full of little questions. This is NOT the most important question.

 

In making this decision, it is crucial to make a distinction between learning and formal education. Learning is a lifelong enterprise. Learning comes with being a disciple and a student. I always want to be learning, questioning, examining the world around me. However, there are training programs, apprenticeships, volunteer opportunities, and even YouTube, where one can learn without oppressive financial and emotional debt. Formal education is not an altruistic endeavor or just for fun. Formal education is big business and at an average cost of between $11,000-$50,000+/year, it is a business decision. So I had to ask myself the little, big questions:

    1.   Does this degree give me the credentials, knowledge, or expertise to excel in my desired field?

    2.   Is this degree going to pay for itself - either by being free, reduced, or raising my earning potential to comfortably cover any incurred debt?

I was able to answer these satisfactorily but the booming, distracting question still remained - Should I go back to school? After reminding myself that this was NOT the real question (and becoming bleary-eyed staring at tuition tables), I remembered Howard McClusky's theory. In 1959, McClusky revealed his Power Load Margin theory which says, in sum, adults have to measure their own load (demands placed on them) and power (factors that they have to sustain the load) when deciding what educational goals they can manage. This theory lifted another set of questions for consideration:

    3.   Do I have the emotional, spiritual, physical support I need to complete this program?
    4.   Should I consider part time, full time, or distance learning?
    5.   Are there people around me who will keep me accountable and give me relief?
    6.   Are there things in my life I can reduce so my load is more manageable?
    7.   Does this program/school have a reputation for helping students manage their load?
 
Empowered with these practical answers, I was almost ready to apply. I am blessed to have a strong support system and as unpredictable as life is, I thought this may be the ideal time to do this degree. Yet, something was still gnawing at my spirit. Another existential, personal, and private question continued to whisper to me. When I sat quiet long enough, I heard it:


    8.   Does this degree define me?

 

I would be lying to say there is no ego involved in pursuing a doctorate. I needed to examine this tendency in myself so I retreated on a personal jet to the Caribbean. No, that was Lebron. Instead, I talked with friends who had done doctoral work about their experiences. One told me she had seen some of the most brilliant, competent, incredible people she knew become insecure shells of themselves due to their doctoral work. Another, who completed her PhD after much duress stated she will never judge anyone who does not complete the process because of the soul damage it can inflict. Others stated various tales of hardship and success.

Their words were sobering and liberating. These were people I revered and they had often struggled, sometimes given up, and sometimes overcame. They helped me answer this last question definitively. Does this degree define me? Hell no. Like Lebron's decision to play for LA, I was great before I came and I will be great when I leave. I do not need a degree to validate my greatness (sometimes I think a degree can obscure it).

I hope this is helpful to all sitting with your own questions. There were other signs and stories in my decision, but answering these questions was critical. This degree is feasible and practically possible, but not definitive. Even if I don't go to college, I deserve to be on the court. Ah yeah, that's right. Give me my jersey and the ball. God be with me, I'm ready.