Daddy Issues

For the next year, I will be serving as a chaplain resident at the Durham VA Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina.   In my time there, I will help families and veterans walk through fear, grief, and loss.  My continual prayer has been that this be a time of healing.  

It is a blessing to serve as a chaplain. I'm able to focus on helping others and do a tremendous amount of personal discovery.  We have regular meetings where we spend time opening up about the emotional and spiritual wounds we carry with us into ministry.  One of the tenets of our chaplain experience is you can only go as far in someone else's pain as you've been in your own.  

I like to call this early unrecognized pain Daddy Issues.  "Daddy issues" represents emotional baggage from childhood that follows us into adulthood.  This can include abuse, disappointment, insecurity, and many other conditions.  Daddy issues can be harmful if they're not discerned and exposed.  Of course, these issues don't necessarily come from fathers.  There are many amazing fathers (Psalm 103:13 below) and there are many experiences in our lives that negatively effect us.   However, for me, this has been a helpful way to think about this because I didn't have my biological father in my life.  What I'm growing to learn is that his absence has impacted how I see God.  Whether I admit it or not, his absence has also shaped the way I minister to others.  If I'm not aware, I can be ministering to others out of my own needs rather than theirs.  


I believe this happens more than we think.  We serve others to fill some void in our own lives (the desire to experience validation, power, or love).  I pray we can expose these motives and the issues that birthed them.  I'm so grateful for chaplaincy giving me the space to help others through their healing.  But I'm also blessed to have a year where I can uncover and maybe even discard some of my own emotional baggage.  I don't want to use ministry to cover past hurts or relieve my own insecurities.  As I minister to others, I need to be doing the harder work of ministering to myself.  




Our Father, who art in heaven, Your name is hallowed.  Your kingdom is nearing, Your will is occurring.  Please help us to recognize our own emotional and spiritual issues.  The baggage we ignore reveals itself in how we care for others.  Please help us to minister as broken vessels who have discovered where our leaks are.



Sharing,
j.a.g.



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Psalm 103:13 

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;


Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Jaelle

"Most blessed of women be Jael..."

Judges 5:25a

Our second daughter will be born two months from today. Her name will be Jaelle (pronounced Ja-el) and it was taken from the woman Jael in the Bible (Judges 4 & 5). In Hebrew, the name is “Yael” (there's no "J" sound in Hebrew), but we’ve made the name more convenient for English spellers and speakers.

We liked Jael for many reasons. First, and honestly, we liked how the name sounded. Secondly, we liked her. Jael was a courageous and heroic woman who killed a captain to save the Israelites. Her story is filled with intrigue and deception, but that doesn’t diminish it’s strength. This woman was “blessed” for her actions according to Judges 5. I’m reminded how God used an adulterer and murderer in David, a doubter and critic in Sarah, a curser and hothead in Peter. Many of the people we hold dear are clouded with imperfection and yet God has chosen them to bring Him glory.

As we were confirming the name for our daughter, it was very important for us to know what her name meant. When we looked online, we found some interesting definitions.  According to:

• thinkbabynames.com it means “mountain goat” 
• babycenter.com it means “to ascend” 
• allnamesmeaning.com it means “prominent” 

After being confused by the web (yeah, it's not always the best source), I tried to consider the name in its original Hebrew. The word ‘Yah’ in Hebrew is a name for God. It is an abbreviation of Yahweh (or Jehovah). The word ‘El’ in Hebrew is another name for God. This is a shortening of Elohim. El is also seen in many other names (Danielle – God is my judge, Michael – who is like God?). The combination of the words Yah-el (or Yael… or Jael…  or Jaelle) can be seen two ways:


a. God God (a repetition of God’s name)
b. Great God - In Hebrew, when you want to emphasize the greatness of something, you add a ‘Yah’ to it (like Hallelu-yah – great praise).



From our prayers, it's obvious to us that Jaelle will be someone great - we can see God’s name is all over her. That comforts us and makes us so, so anxious to meet her.

Yeremy,

j.a.g.

Darling Jaelle, we cannot wait to meet you.  God has charged us with stewarding another of His children.  We're so grateful to have been chosen to be your parents.  Please know that whatever happens in life - whatever people call you or whatever you're tempted to call yourself, God calls you His own.  Don't ever live under your namesake.  You are a living testimony of God's greatness.  I long to hold you... Until that day... and beyond... journey faithfully.  

In Christ's name, Amen.

YGT: Give God a Break

Yesterday, I was driving home and began to get anxious as I approached our place. Jocelyn is home and it was her bedtime. Bedtime normally isn't a huge problem but last night Kadia (who Jocelyn adores) was over and Jocelyn always cries when she leaves. And once she starts crying at bedtime, its hard to get her to stop. The crying will usually continue throughout her bath, brushing her teeth, and putting on pajamas. As turned the final corner and parked the car, I could already see the scenario vividly in my mind. Lord, I breathed, please don't let this be a rough night... Can I please have a break tonight?...


I went inside and the craziest thing happened - Jocelyn didn't cry. She wasn't happy to see Kadia leave of course, but she handled it really well. She laughed her way into the bathroom and asked me to play the song "Chasing After You" by William Murphy. We listened to the song at least 4 times as she sang and danced through brushing her teeth and putting on her pajamas. We laughed and laughed. When it was time to say her prayers (which can also be an interesting time of night - sometimes she's feeling up for it, sometimes not), Mommy came home. Jocey asked Mommy to pray with her and I was able to go sit on the couch and rest.


Wow, what a great night, I thought.




For one night, I got a break from being the father of a child who can be needy, moody, and irritable. Instead, I was able to witness my child make me smile and laugh. If you can, try reading this post again and substitute yourself for the child and God for the father. I imagine it'll be no different. Like a three year old at bedtime, we can be pretty whiny. Let's allow God to rejoice in us laughing heartily, dancing mightily, and singing freely (yes, even trying to hit those notes you'd never sing in public, lol). Give God a break!



Lord, sorry I cry and complain so much.  I know you understand and I know you'll be there because You love me, but I'm still sorry.  Thank You for everything!


Nothing,
j.a.g.







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Genesis 2:2
By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

YGT: Thank You, Dr. Watson

Tonight, I attended a retirement dinner for Dr. Donald Watson, who was retiring from his position as a professor at St. Augustine College in Raleigh, NC.  During the dinner, many people gave warm remarks about his life and legacy.  

Among the notable:

• His birthday is tomorrow, February 27 (He will be 69)
• He earned his PhD from the University of Pittsburgh
• When he is excited in church, he runs, dances, and shouts (if you've been around Dr. Watson for any length of time in a service, you know this is true)
• His favorite song is "Nobody Greater" by (six-time Stellar award winner) Vashawn Mitchell
• He has four brother, three sisters, and five children
• He played basketball in high school

The most moving part of the evening was when his children acknowledged the place he had in their lives.  They said he was consistent, faithful, quirky, loving, and giving.  One of their daughters, Rachel, danced to the song, "Your Joy" by Chrisette Michele (below).  

Dr. Watson and his amazing wife Sis. Cathy are wonderful examples of what it means to raise children in the admonition of the Lord.  Having someone like this as a model is important for me as a young father and husband.  I thank God for Dr. Watson and his family.  Their uniqueness and service to God reminds me of the Butlers (and Abraham from Genesis 18).  I pray his life continues to bring transformation to all those around him.

Lord, thank You for the power of an example.  You have given us servants to show us how to walk in Your ways with grace and humility.  We love You and need You more than ever.  Please continue to raise up fathers, mothers, and friends that are ambassadors for you.  Let us be counted in that number.  In Christ's name, Amen.

Watching,

j.a.g.

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Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Genesis 18:19

For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

On Something Major

...having a child is major... I have a new swag...

- Jill Scott

In the shadow of Father's Day, I was reminded of a very valuable truth by Miss Jill Scott tonight. She said the last two years of her life have seen huge transitions. She has moved "across the country", gotten engaged (and unengaged), and most importantly, had a child.

The way she talked about her child just grabbed at my Daddy heart strings. It has been a definite "major" to be a father. It feels like I am doing something big, something that will change the world. Ashley and I are partners in the raising of a queen. I am honored to have been given this task.

My dear Jocelyn,

For the long nights and the early mornings,

I salute you.

For the sacrifice and the lessons,

I bless you.

For the moments

and moments

and moments,

I thank you.

You are truly something major...

*The link below is Jill's latest hit, "So in Love" featuring Anthony Hamilton. A great song and appropriate for what I'm trying to say in this blog - I'm so in love with my baby. I also wanna shout out to our bro and sis Jeremy and Jamila Simmons who just had a baby boy (Jeremiah) this week. I know their falling in love too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1OC_XmeIck (Sorry, you have to click the vid to hear. Copyright's won't allow the video to be watched on this site. But try re-reading the blog with the song in the background! It's a great soundtrack!)

Dear Lord, a child is a precious gift. Thank You for trusting me enough with something so major. Please help me to teach her and love her as You would. I thank You for a wife who complements, nurtures, and yields to Your Spirit. Please help us grow as a family and strengthen our love for one another. You are our example and our great Father. Thank You!

Pausing,

j.a.g.

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Malachi 4:6a - He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children...

On Fatherhood (soon-to-be)

Over the last six months, the most amazing thing has happened to me. I have become a soon-to-be father. My wife, Ashley, and I are expecting a baby girl (over 95% sure according to the ultrasound) at the end of June. It has been one of the most exhilarating, anxious, and curious times of my life. How will she be when she arrives? How will I be when she arrives? How will Ashley be when I arrive (back to reality)?

Lately, among the questions and emotions, I have been admittedly envious of Ashley’s ability to spend so much time with our daughter (who will be named Jocelyn). Because Ashley is the one physically pregnant, Jocelyn goes everywhere with her. She eats everything Ashley wants her to eat. She listens to the music Ashley listens to and is essentially controlled by Ashley. All the while, I must sit by and wait for opportunities to speak to Ashley’s belly or rub it to feel Jocelyn kick. Why can’t I get as much contact with Jocelyn? In no way do I want to question the laws of nature, but this makes me want to use one of my heavenly lifelines (Ask, Seek, Knock - Matthew 7:7 below). I’ll use my Ask - God, why would you make women have to carry the baby while men must sit on the sidelines? I believe the following are answers to this question:

To teach soon-to-be fathers how to love our wives… (Ephesians 5:25 below)
During pregnancy, I cannot make any physical difference in Jocelyn’s life unless I make it in Ashley’s life. The only way to feed Jocelyn is to feed Ashley. The only way to speak life into my daughter is to speak life into my wife. The only way I can be close to my daughter is by being close to her mother. What a revelation! God needs men to understand the value of loving their spouse. When we love our wives, we will love our children. This will translate to healthy relationships and a healthy self-image for the child. When Jocelyn sees how I treat her mother, she will understand how she should be treated by a man and respected by others.

To remind soon-to-be fathers who controls it all… (Matthew 5:36 below)
If you ever wanted to know how much control you really have, study the development of a child. From the moment he/she is conceived, a miracle begins. They turn from a bunch of cells into an embryo, an embryo into a fetus, a fetus into a baby and the entire time, you are on the outside…waiting and praying that everything goes ok. True, you can and should do some things to make sure the baby is ok (eat right, exercise, rest, etc.), but otherwise you control nothing. You can do nothing to make the baby taller, or darker, or smarter, or have a better singing voice (big in the Gilmore household!). You can only wait and pray. In a child’s life, fathers are contributors, but not controllers of God’s perfect will for them. God allows us to nurture and teach them, but their final outcome belongs to Him.

Ah, now I see. The times I want to be close to Jocelyn, I should focus on loving my wife and contributing to (not controlling) her growth. While I prepare for her to arrive, I will practice these principles and find peace in the calling of being - and becoming - a father.




Lord, thank You for the blessing of soon-to-be fatherhood. Please encourage fathers and mothers around the world in their special assignments as parents. Let us all keep You at the forefront of our relationships and homes. God, the sooner we realize we need love and we need You, the better off we will be. Please use this time of pregnancy to be a time of preparation and development. I love You and I pray that I am a father to Jocelyn as You have been to me. Just as You cannot wait until Your children arrive to You, I cannot wait until she arrives. And like you, I will spend every moment from now until forever loving, praying, and contributing to the growth of this new life.






Waiting for you,
j.a.g.







Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Matthew 5:36
Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.